How’s things?

I get knocked down, But I get up again, You’re never gonna keep me down” 
Tubthumping by Chumbawumba
How’s things?
This is a common question it seems in all the messages that I have sitting in my phone and on facebook.  Sorry if I haven’t replied I have read them but the most likely I haven’t replied straight away and another message has come in after that which has pushed your message down and I have sadly just forgotten your message.  As an example this post itself has taken me three days to write and I have written myself a message before I go to sleep each day to come back to it.  
The truth is for me I don’t really feel like a whole lot has changed.  But I am very reliably informed that things are getting better at least physically.  I think that the physical progress is much easier for others to see change in.  For me I don’t remember what I was like yesterday so it is hard to know what the progress is.  I can tell you that today, I am walking around with the aid of a walking stick, I felt a bit wobbly at times but I got from a to b which I guess is the most important thing.  My arm I understand has also been a problem today it really just felt weak and it just takes more to think about using it.  I had tingling in different parts on my arm and face as well.  
Emotionally I am not sure that a whole lot has changed.  I read that I am being treated for PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Dissociation, and a few other things.  For me this really just means that most days I feel sad, empty, a total ache in my heart (this is hard to describe really), anxious, overwhelmed and confused.  In addition to that I am exhausted from feeling all of those feelings all the time.  Plus I spend a lot of time (well I have today) trying to work out what is going on.  I guess if you think of all those mental health things and the brain as a computer hdd, my hdd needs a reboot.  So for now my brain is operating in safe mode, while the repairmen (my therapists and I) take each file out process it dertermine with this is something that needs to be kept or moved to the trash and then re-format the hdd.  I think this is going to be an incredibly long process but best we take the time and do it right than do it quickly and have to redo it in a few years.  
I think the most common thing everyone wants to know is if my memory has improved, I don’t think so.  I woke up this morning completely confused, my head feels empty, I didn’t recognise our dogs, my husband has to orientate me to what year it is and how old the kids are and what is going on in a really quick space of time.  Lots of changes have happened around the house and in our lives that I simply can’t recall.  So I would say no this hasn’t improved or changed.  I get through each day by reading facebook a lot I know this seems crazy but it does give me clues on things that have been going on.  I think that my memory loss is the hardest part for me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t cope very well when I am not in control and not remembering yesterday and not knowing what is coming without reading a journal or a daily diary is probably as far from in control I could possibly be.  
I don’t think that I am venturing very far from home unless it is a necessity, this kind of feels strange and scarey all at the same time.  I don’t consider that I am a shy person but the thought of going up to school or to the shops or anywhere that I might have to interact with anyone at all sends fear through every part of my body.  This is also something I am trying to work through.  That said I am ok with visitors at home one on one.  I do know that this is not a healthy or rational way to live so I do try to get out when I can.  I am also trying to do some relaxation techniques to help cope with these situations where I am feeling anxius or out of control. 
I think this really covers about everything that is going on with me for now.  I do love your messages as long as you don’t get offended when I don’t reply. Take care everyone and thanks for all your support! 
Cathy xoxo

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