The lies we tell ourselves …

I wrote this back in January and was reading over it again tonight. It still really resonates with me today. 

It seems from my journals the last couple of days haven’t been great.  In fact today if I described how I am feeling it would be what I imagine free falling from a plane feels like, just falling and completely out of control.  This is not really a feeling that I like at all.

Apart from the distinct lack of control it actually feels like I almost climbed out of the hole that I have been in.  Well not nearly out and probably not even close to the top, maybe though there was just a little bit of sunlight peeking through all the grey and darkness and dirt and crap that had been covering me for so long.  It no longer feels like that.

Image source: Michael Benanav for The New York Times
 
It feels like I have lost my grip and I am in free fall without a chute and loosing site of the teensy bit of light that I had.  It feels as though as I fall I am disturbing the dirt and try to find something to grip onto and I am bringing that back down on top of myself, slowly suffocating me in the process.  It is covering me again and I can’t open my chute to slow the fall.

 

Source Unknown
I am not sure what has caused me to loose my grip though I can see from my writing it has been a pretty sad news week so perhaps that has something to do with it.  It could be the post Christmas come down, we have a biggish family and that time between Christmas and New Year is typically busy for us, in addition of course to the normal craziness of the lead up.  I suspect that I was operating on adrenalin during that period of time and trying so hard to hold it together for everyone around me let’s face it who wants to be around a sad sack at Christmas time.  This has to be playing a part.

From what I have read I have also had two extremely lucid and vivid dreams.  I know in “the before” dreams like this would leave me beyond exhausted because it really feels like I am awake and living the dreams.  Which also means that in the morning or when I wake out of the dream I then need to process through all the feels that might have come up.  I am also physically exhausted from having no restful sleep.  


Sometimes these dreams can be incredible I can do and achieve incredible things, all my dreams and hopes for the future, for my family, my friends it is like living in an alternate reality.  The last couple of nights however, the dreams have not been like that.

The first one was where there was a big group of us on a cruise and someone humiliated me terribly doing something that was completely out of character for them and everyone was sitting around laughing at me because they all knew ahead of time and it was like I was the last person to know.  This dream was so horrible I woke up crying and I spent the day believing all the horrible things that happened in the dream.  It would seem that I spent the day sending text messages to get reassurance that the events that happened were in fact just a dream and not real.  The messages are beyond ridiculous in all honesty that doesn’t seem that it has stopped my brain believing them and perpetuating them over and over (I am still feeling the feels from that today!).

My second dream was not quite as bad though it was equally as bizarre and the primary theme of this one was that at every turn I was managing to let everyone down because I was trying to be everything to everyone but achieving nothing at all.  This one was actually more bizarre because there was only a couple of people I knew in real life in it the rest of the people were either imaginary or blogs I have read or even ridiculously famous people.  Yet again, because I was letting people down left, right and centre there were a lot of not so nice feels in this dream.  I have been very blah from it.  It has really left me in an incredible funk.  In addition to the free fall with no chute none of this is leaving me in a very great place.

Certainly not feeling like I want to go anywhere or see anyone.  So I was actually a little bit excited when hubby said he was taking the kids out for the morning which meant I could have some time alone.  I thought of all the things I could do with that time but instead because I am so exhausted I just did nothing.  I have a long list of things I really WANT to do and one thing I feel I MUST get done before next Thursday but absolutely no motivation to get it done.  Partly because my brain keeps telling me that regardless of what I do I will never be good enough, I will let people down over and over, I am completely useless and unlovable so why bother.  No-one would even notice if I wasn’t here. 


Thing is I rationally know that these things that my brain is telling me are not the truth but I don’t seem to be able to believe the good.  It is these lies that my brain keeps telling me that are stronger and far more overwhelming at the moment.  I think I know, at least I need to hold onto the fact that I have climbed out once before and this time I can recognise I am falling again so maybe, hopefully I won’t be down there so long.

In the meantime send me a lifeline for me to hold onto.  And if you see me with a smile on my face please don’t let that fool you into thinking I am ok, I might be, but there is a very good chance I am crumbling inside just like kinetic sand.  So if you see me smiling and I tell you that I am fine and you think maybe I am not don’t ask again just give me a hug or squeeze my hand to let me know that you are there for me.  

Anyone experiencing personal difficulties can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit www.lifeline.org.au or contact Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or visit beyondblue.org.au 

Brick – Ben Folds Five 



Hugs 
Cathy xoxo 

2015 can go get stuffed … here’s to 2016

It is not secret at all that 2015 has been a pretty long tough year for me and well frankly just about everyone I know has been through something life changing who knows perhaps it was something in the air!  I will be glad to see the back of it as I am certain many others will be too.  It is often hard to remember the good things that happen unless they are huge!

On that note here are a few things I am incredibly grateful for in 2015:

*  My beautiful family and the friends I have been blessed with
*  I have managed to get a few things back to “normal” (whatever that is) like knitting, crochet, baking

Of course there are all the normal things like jobs, health, children, food on the table etc.  I think in my case the very fact that I am here to enjoy all the everyday normal things is something to be grateful for.

On that note I honestly think I would like to leave 2015 behind and start a new.  That doesn’t mean that things are very different for me in that I still have lots of memory loss (though I can usually fake it through a day if I need to – thank God for fb!), I still have a long way to go with lots of things but I have the support I need to be able to do that.  I have over and over thanked everyone for standing by me this year and I truly mean that.

So instead of looking back I want to look forward, I have lots of things I want to do, lots of dreams but for now I will be happy to get up tomorrow and remember what I did today.

In 2016 some things I want to do:

*  I want to keep getting well
*  I want to learn how to make dumplings
*  I want to get off my walking stick
*  I want my driver’s licence back
*  I want to at least double my writing on my blog

Somethings I will do to occupy my time:

*  Read books at the moment I am enjoying The Chocolate Promise by Josephine Moon
*  Knit and crochet … I appear to have a long list of scarves I need to knit
*  Write lots of my writing barely makes sense to me but at least I keep writing.  One day I hope to turn it into something meaningful but we will see
*  Now that my toe isn’t hurting as much get back on my bike and start getting my 30mins a day back into my routine
*  Write more often on here

Somethings I hope to do:

*  Catch up with friends more often even if that means them coming to me
*  Investigate an idea I have and how it would be possible to bring it to life
*  Finally start some actual real work on a book I have been looking at for nine years now

Image source: life, love and hiccups

I have lots of other dreams but these are not resolutions in anyway, they are very much long term plans for the future.  So they are not related just to 2016 as much as they are to 2016 and beyond!  I saw this today on Down that little lane and I think this is a great idea for 2016.  These are things I will need to think about so I will get back to you on these.

I am spending tonight with my family, parents, aunties, uncles, and a cousin and his family.  It will be a nice night surrounded by lots of love but very low key which is exactly how I like it.

Lastly the biggest thank you to everyone who has in anyway supported me this year it helps me more than you know.

I hope that whatever you do for NYE you have a lovely time and see you on the flip side!

Image source:  little paper lane





hugsCathy xoxo 

Merry Christmas

Last night on Christmas Eve Eve, we had a lovely catch up with friends and a surprise visit from my Uncle who was working in the area.  We were missing a some very dear friends who are living in America for the next few years.  They may not physically be here but they are always in our hearts.

Christmas can be a very busy time catching up with everyone.  It can also be a very reflective time of year.  Many people are missing loved ones because they are no longer here, or because they are separated by time or distance.  Others are separated for other reasons like work and that can also be incredibly difficult heading off to work on a day when it can feel like the rest of the world is sitting around and having fun.  We also think of the Emergency Services who keep us safe and well at Christmas time please look after yourselves so that they can get home safely to their families at the end of their shift.  Whatever the reason is it can be hard seeing all the joyous celebrations and reminders of what they do not have.  Spare a thought for them.  We also think of those who have nowhere to go or be at Christmas may you find shelter, warmth, a nice meal and some company to share it with.  
For my family Christmas is a time of religious significance where we celebrate the birth of Christ.  We do this through heading to Church, reflection on the year that has passed, the blessings that we have, time with our families and we also exchange gifts.  The tradition of gift giving at Christmas time is symbolic of the wise men offering gifts to Joseph & Mary in the stable when Christ was born.

The year that we have had has been an incredibly challenging one for us as a family including our wider families included in that is our friends as well.  Hopefully though we are through the worst of it and we can can focus on what is in front and not what has gone.  It has also I think (well from my notes and journals) one of growth for us as a family as well.  We have learnt that we have a resilience to bounce back; a strength to keep going even when it felt too hard; love lots and lots of love for each other and also we are surrounded by lots of love and it is this love that keeps us going; hope, that tomorrow will come and it will bring a new hope, a fresh beginning and a new book that is yet to be written.  Life without a sense of hope can be very scary but with every sunset is a promise of a new tomorrow and that brings with it a sense of hope even if it is just a glimmer it is there! 

Sure we have had some really tough times in the midst of all of this where we have all had to search deep down inside and find those reserves of energy to keep on going on.  There have been days on end when I was not just doing it one foot in front of the other but at times I was down to breath by breath.  Knowing that I was surrounded by all of love, hope, faith, and support it helped others were able to carry all of those things for me as a beacon like a lighthouse for me to aim at.  Life is by no means a picnic for me even now.  But I think it is better.  Every day is still very tough and confusing but that is ok, I love to write so I take lots of notes which helps, to orientate myself.  
Christmas will be down time for us as a family which will be nice.  We will get to see loved ones we haven’t seen for a long time.  We will get to spend time with each other (I think this will be nice – though please feel free to remind me of this when I am moaning about the kids getting on each others nerves.) 
I just want to take this opportunity to THANK everyone who has supported me or my family in anyway at all this year.  There are simply far too many people to thank individually but our wider families have been an enormous support to us and I know that we couldn’t have gotten to here without that.  Our friends who have supported us physically and emotionally throughout this year we really couldn’t have done it without you.  Our wider communities of schools, community groups and churches have been incredibly important this year as well.  All of this will not be forgotten (well it might be in the morning but I have it all written down I promise) and may we be there for you in your hour of need as well.  
Lastly wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Nice Public Holiday whatever the season means to you and your family enjoy it, hold your children tight, tell your family you love them (even the ones that annoy you), and most importantly keep safe.  If you are driving on the roads take it easy better to arrive a little bit late than not at all.  

love and hugs Cathy xoxo 

Do they know it’s Christmas? Band Aid 1984