the day my brain and body disconnected

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Eighteen months or so ago my mind decided enough was enough. For years and years and years I had hidden from myself and the rest of the world that there was a problem.

I didn’t really know what the problem was I guess I just thought it was normal the way I lived, the constant worry, my head always spinning out of control. Never believing in myself, constantly trying to be more, to do more, to be the hostess with the mostest in everything I did.

As the fog descends

Image source: Sillier than Sally 

Depression is like a fog that descends in over the sea it starts out slowly and it is still kind of clear you can see to the other side. Then gradually but ever so slowly it becomes thicker and thicker and you wake up one day and discover that you can not only not see the other side but it is so thick and heavy that the fog is sitting on every part of your body. As though there are weights on every part of your body making movement incredibly slow and heavy, feeling as though you are dragging yourself through. Then tears the flow and flow without an off switch and they just fall without the release that comes with crying.

The loss of the view to the other side starts to suck all hope out of everything you do. Once the hope is gone then your brain starts to turn on you as well. The only things you start to hear is how much of a drain on everyone you are and that you are like the fog in their lives. You are a drag, useless, worthless; if you weren’t there in their lives they would have sunshine and rainbows.

Everyone makes mistakes …

Granted most of those mistakes don’t result in the death of innocent people, and most people don’t go out with the intent to get into a fight on a Saturday night. I am in no way going to condone the actions of Kieran Loveridge. What he did was gutless, cowardly, unprovoked and irreversible. By punching a young man minding his own business in the back of the head he changed the course of many, many lives. Whether it was truly a mistake or patterned behaviour remains to be seen.