the day my brain and body disconnected

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Eighteen months or so ago my mind decided enough was enough. For years and years and years I had hidden from myself and the rest of the world that there was a problem.

I didn’t really know what the problem was I guess I just thought it was normal the way I lived, the constant worry, my head always spinning out of control. Never believing in myself, constantly trying to be more, to do more, to be the hostess with the mostest in everything I did.

As the fog descends

Image source: Sillier than Sally 

Depression is like a fog that descends in over the sea it starts out slowly and it is still kind of clear you can see to the other side. Then gradually but ever so slowly it becomes thicker and thicker and you wake up one day and discover that you can not only not see the other side but it is so thick and heavy that the fog is sitting on every part of your body. As though there are weights on every part of your body making movement incredibly slow and heavy, feeling as though you are dragging yourself through. Then tears the flow and flow without an off switch and they just fall without the release that comes with crying.

The loss of the view to the other side starts to suck all hope out of everything you do. Once the hope is gone then your brain starts to turn on you as well. The only things you start to hear is how much of a drain on everyone you are and that you are like the fog in their lives. You are a drag, useless, worthless; if you weren’t there in their lives they would have sunshine and rainbows.

Out in the open …

Living openly with anxiety and depression is hard. I know that sounds really strange but it is the truth. Part of me wishes it was all still hidden away and that I was living in quiet oblivion. I know that it needed to come out but it is hard to know what to say sometimes.

I have honestly lived with a heavy deep sadness for such a long time (not just weeks and not just since life unravelled spectacularly) I am talking probably even decades. I almost don’t know what it feels like to not be depressed or anxious on some level. I also think that there is a big difference between having depression (and still being able to enjoy the normal ups and downs in life) and being depressed or having an acute episode of depression whereby life feels pointless and the pain of depression (and its ever present side kick) anxiety just gets too much to cope with. Sometimes the acute episodes last days sometimes they linger for much longer. When I am lucky after an acute episode I can feel quite energetic about life and productive but lately it seems that the set point is 0 where for most people set point would be  or even more!