the day my brain and body disconnected

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Eighteen months or so ago my mind decided enough was enough. For years and years and years I had hidden from myself and the rest of the world that there was a problem.

I didn’t really know what the problem was I guess I just thought it was normal the way I lived, the constant worry, my head always spinning out of control. Never believing in myself, constantly trying to be more, to do more, to be the hostess with the mostest in everything I did.

The Happiness Trap

Wearing our ears with Mum in Disneyland

Have you ever wondered to yourself I have the family of my dreams, the house, the car, the job etc, and yet you are still so desperately unhappy? It doesn’t seem to matter how many things or goals you tick off your ‘I’ll be happy when’ list, you just don’t seem to feel that elusive happiness. Not in the, you know dancing, singing about life, birds singing, rainbows and unicorns sense at least.

In fact I am not sure I have ever felt much more than meh, great I just ticked that off the list. Does this sound like you? I hope so, if for no other reason than so that I am not alone in this.

That person

I have read two things today that have made me think about that person. I read this from Em Rusciano and I read this by another dear friend about her one about her person.

I’ve got to say that in the last 18mths I have been pretty blessed because I have a few people in my life who supported me through thick and thin. My hubby he has stood by me, he is there for me no matter what. But I still hide my worst from him, I hide the tears and the feelings of worthlessness, I hide behind a smile because it is easier. But honestly I shouldn’t hide because they saw me at my worst exposed, with no place to hide, with all my faults and f*&k ups out on display. They picked me up and let me know that I was not the sum of all the mistakes but that it was a small part of a very large story that is my life, that is not over yet.